God Ceases to Exist in Us

Isn't it funny that no matter how good or bad a person we are, we can always end up justifying ourselves as good human being, correct in whatever we do. But we conveniently forget that we have an ultimate conscience to face. That conscience which makes us feel good when we fight our own possessiveness to share that favourite dress with our sibling, blames us when we cannot control our disappointment and retaliate only to hurt the sentiments of the person we love the most, and punishes us, makes us pay in full for all our sins. It is that same conscience that we, believers, call God. That’s right, God. I must sound insane having said something like that, or at least agnostic, but I am not. I am an absolute believer albeit with weird ideology. I say weird because my faith and way of seeing things are not particularly conventional. Anyway, that is not important. I was talking about conscience. Our mind is a very powerful vehicle. We call it abstract because we cannot see it. We cannot see God but do we call Him abstract? No. That is because we have given Him a face and thousand names. Why can’t we challenge our existing thought process and visualize our conscience? It is even easier. For God, we need an image or an idol. For Conscience, it is Me. I do not need a picture of mine. I can walk up to the mirror and say,

Hey, how are you? How do you feel? Do you feel joy or the peace of confident wait for the desired?

Yes

Congrats. (Smile and you can see your conscience smile back at you from the mirror, genuinely happy.)

No

No? What is wrong? Do you feel bad? What is it that is making you feel bad?

Trust me. Our mind (Conscience) also needs a friend. It also feels like justifying. We may confide in that one person in our life, but it feels secure only in us. When you question, it is more than happy to answer. Of course, if you want your Mind to speak, you cannot afford to concentrate on that pimple scar on your forehead or admire your shining cheeks.

The fact is our MIND is more existent than anything else in this Universe. It is stronger than any magnet. Whatever we think, feel- knowing/without knowing- is attracted towards us. Let me put it this way. When we ask something from God, our Mind constantly thinks about it with a strong belief of God giving it to us and presumptively cherishes the good feeling of getting it. It is this same constant thinking that we call meditation or worship and results in receiving God’s gift or just an outcome of our Mind or conscience. Having realized that, my ever-wandering mind questioned back my own theory. If our mind attracts whatever we want, then how come I never scored well in School even though from exam end day till result day, I constantly prayed for good grades and thought nothing except that? I ran the same question again and again until I stumbled on the deeper fact—FAITH. I realized, whenever I wrote my papers well, I didn't pray for grades because I knew it would be good, I had that Faith. I prayed for grades only when I knew I did not write well and wanted to hold on to God to give me grades. My deeper conscience knew this was not possible and I was always scared of “what if my grades are not good?” I did not have that good feeling of high grades but I perpetually had the bad feeling of that “what if” consequence. So, I prayed to God but my conscience knew I did not deserve. In other words, my Mind was meditating Grades but I did not have Faith. Just as no worship is fruitful without faith in God, no thought can be powerful without Faith of receiving it, and Faith comes from the Court of Conscience deciding what we deserve and what not. While our Thoughts attract the things we wish for, our Faith brings our mind and reality into equilibrium for delivering the same, based on the judgement of our Conscience (God).

So it is all a Mind-game. When we say God exists in all of us, we refer to this conscience. My Mom used to say children are the angels or embodiments of God himself. Too full of questions (and often answers as well), I used to ask her, “Why only children? Why does God disappear in adults? God doesn't want to grow up or what?” Mom used to smile and say, “Adults are adulterated and children are pure. That is why God stays in children.” I would go back to my reverie thinking, I am a child but I do not take a bath every day. Then how am I pure? How will God stay in me? Mom baths every day. So she is pure. Then why will God not stay in her, just because she is adult. It did not make much sense for me at that age of 4-5 years. I thought God is unjust or partial. Now I know what Mom meant. She referred to the conscience. As children we say upfront what is good, what is bad, what is right and what is wrong. We know and care little about consequences and speak whatever our heart feels. As adults, we modify or even falsify the truth and manipulate the facts in order to justify ourselves. We adulterate our Conscience and God ceases to exist in us.